As The Butter Churns

August 3rd Scent Of A Woman

(New shoes don't stay new for long)

Sitting back in a Weight Watchers meeting I was happy to be facing the music. Again. I’d been snacking to the point of my clothes being too tight and frankly I can’t afford new clothes so I’m out of options.

There was a brand new leader on Tuesday, eager and peppy. At first, I thought she might be a little too enthusiastic, but as I listened to her talk I decided I was really ready to commit. She was all about challenges; she had some vegetable challenge where you were supposed to have more than half your plate full of vegetables, and apparently the week before she had a “try-a-new-vegetable-challenge” and now she was issuing an exercise challenge. I was up for it, but as I sat quietly lost in thought I drifted back to why I’d stopped walking a year ago, the cougar episode. I was afraid of the big cats, but now I had true motivation, competition. Awesomez had joined Weight Watcher’s too and now we had a contest. Something akin to the biggest loser, and there is nothing like a contest to get me going.

Determined, I took the 50.00 bill Awesomez had hidden in my wallet and bought a decent pair of walking shoes. I laced up the next morning with my new walking coach, Henry who donned his bicycle helmet and accompanied me. We went early in the cool of the morning.  I felt smug as I toasted my two point multi-grain English muffin smearing two points of creamy peanut butter on top while I sipped my coffee fresh from the glow of my walk.

The next day, my “coach” was too tired and the bum slept in, so Vivian and I went it alone. Walking along, I noticed some poop in the middle of the road. Curious I studied it. It was big enough and it was filled with hair, I suspected it was cougar scat but knew it was far fetched we hadn’t seen cougar in a long time and what were the odds it would poop in the middle of the road. The scat was still fresh with urine puddled, I didn’t want my imagination to carry me away, but nonetheless it’s not what you want to see as you try and walk off a couple of chocolate meringues from Trader Joes™. I would research the specimen later and identify the culprit. Vivian had a completely different attitude; she walked up squatted and confidently peed right over it. Her confidence gave me confidence and I walked on accompanied by my canine bodyguard.

(Clearly cougar scat - this picture taken some time later when I came back in my car)

(a wider view)

On my third walk, Amy and my “coach” both came with me, Vivian and Irish. We chatted and laughed and probably didn’t walk as fast or as far as we should have, but I got my heart rate up.

Walk number four was Phoebe, Quinn and Henry on his bicycle with my constant walking companions Vivian, and Irish. The canine bullet, Rat-Bat (Bruno) somehow escaped the house, squeezed under the fence and found us half a mile away.

“Look that’s the cougar scat my mom saw the other day”.

“Why would a cougar go in the middle of the road?” Phoebe asked.

“Well, there were four things that identify cougar scat. First it should be as big as a large dog. Check. Two, it should have hair from it’s last kill. Check. Three it should be in segments. Check and double check. And four, the documents say, it’s important to note where the scat is. Cougars like to mark their territory and so they go out in the open usually in the middle of a trail” I explained.

“That’s in the middle of a trail all right,” Phoebe agreed.

Together, we walked faster and farther, but didn’t quite walk as long as I would have liked because I needed to get to work.

(the forest is thick with fern)

This morning, I was down to only Quinn and Henry, who was sick of how hot his helmet made his head and pushing his bicycle up some of the steeper hills decided he would walk. I left Vivian the guard dog home due to limping. We took Irish and started out. The morning was crisp and bright. Sun streamed dreamily through the trees as we marched up the hill determined this time to finally get to the bridge. About three-quarters of a mile into the walk I smelled an overwhelming odor, as pungent as a skunk but not a skunk at all. I looked around wondering what the smell was.

“Do you smell that?” I asked.

“No. I don’t smell anything” Quinn answered keeping stride.

“I smell a really strong smell. It reminds me of ‘Harry and the Henderson’s. You know, they say Sasquatch smells really strong and that’s how you know it’s there”.

“I remember that movie,” Quinn said. “We saw it with Tom and Wayne I think”.

“You know, there are more Sasquatch sightings on the 9 than just about anywhere. The guys from the city who were out here last week said they weren’t going to rule out Sasquatch in a forest this size. And besides, it’s the non-believer who gets it in the end” I said through my huffing and puffing. “Or the annoying, squirrely kid on the bike”.

“Good thing I don’t have my bike, “ Henry smiled.

“Neese you kind of sound like a warthog when you’re walking and talking” Quinn so kindly informed me. Just then, we heard a huge rustle in the bushes and we could see the foliage moving.

“That’s big enough to be an elk,” I said thinking back to that fateful day last summer when I’d said just about the same thing. We walked on.

“Didn’t Kristi, the girl who used to live here, see a Sasquatch?” Quinn asked.

“Well, she saw something. She was lost one night in the late fall and something about the size of a black bear went in front of her car. She stopped and it looked at her, but she couldn’t identify it. It really freaked her out”.

“She said it kind of had the face of a monkey” Henry interjected.

“She didn’t want anyone to think she was a kook, so she never really told anyone else, but it was near the Strand Road on the 9” I snorted. We heard another break of a branch in the bushes. It wasn’t as loud as before but seemed just behind us. We turned to look but didn’t see anything.

“I smell the smell you were talking about” Quinn said sniffing the air.

“Me too. Ugh it’s horrible. Maybe it is a Sasquatch” Henry laughed.

“Yeah, maybe it’s tracking us right now. Maybe we’re being followed by Harry, he left the Henderson’s. Or we think we’re being followed by a Sasquatch and a cougar will jump out of the bushes” she laughed too.

“Of course, we’re going to see a Sasquatch, I didn’t bring my camera” I added as I quickened our pace.

The conversation wound around to aliens, the Egyptians, alternate Universes, Loch Ness and unexplored regions of our oceans. We discussed cave drawings and giant squid, the cruelty of man and science and our inability as a species to allow others to co-exist. Quinn wished we’d see Sasquatch and could give him refuge on the farm. “He could eat blueberries and we’d be friends with him, but we wouldn’t tell anyone” she said wistfully.

“Yeah right, look at the Giant Squid it was dead after just one day, you’d think they’d learn” Henry said as we reached the bridge. “They can’t leave well enough alone”. We looked around a bit taking stock of what had been done. The place was deserted which seemed strange for a work day, but no wonder they’d scheduled almost a year if they’re not going to be working on the renovations consistently.

“This is just about two miles, it’s getting hot so let’s get going,” I said as Henry turned the happy-to-be-on-walk Irish around. I thought of Vivian probably moping at home sitting on my bed thinking she’d been replaced.

We walked a long easily as Quinn pondered if Kristi had actually seen Sasquatch. “Then according to Kristi, a Sasquatch doesn’t have to be that big. Now maybe she saw a baby, who knows. People probably exaggerate,“ Quinn surmised.

“Like when they almost catch a fish,” Henry concurred.  And so Quinn and Henry concluded a colony of Sasquatch possibly the size of Henry could easily remain undetected in the forests of the Pacific Northwest. I had no argument to the contrary.

We walked at a fairly quick pace going up and down the hills and around the turns. We saw a smashed snake on the road and a few beer cans in the underbrush and I was wondering if the pack of Spirit’s on the side of the road were purchased at the Everybody’s’ Store, when I heard the low guttural roar of a lion. It wasn’t a loud roar like at the beginning of an MGM film, but it was unmistakable nonetheless. There’s nothing like a lion’s roar to make you realize you’re not necessarily at the top of the food chain. I looked over my shoulder searching the brush realizing the smell had been Karen, the cougar, not Harry. Quinn saw me look and went white.

“I was hoping that was your stomach,” she said with a look of terror in her eyes.

“You heard it”.

“Yes I heard it”.

            “Heard what?” Henry asked as he and Irish bounced along unaware a cougar was stalking us.

“We just heard a lion growl, didn’t you?” Quinn asked.

“No, I didn’t all I could hear was Irish panting” he said.

“Well, it wasn’t a loud I’m-going-to-pounce-on you-growl it was a-I’m-right-here-and-I’d-like-you-to-leave-right-now-growl” Quinn informed him sternly.

“No one panic. No yelling, no running. A cougar can cover up to 30 feet in one bound so there’s not a chance of out running them. They’re ambush predators so I’m going to just keep looking back and making sure we’re ok. Just keep walking at the same pace. They don’t want a fight. I just hope we don’t look like walking Land jaegers,” I said trying to make light of the situation.

“Maybe it was a bear,” Henry suggested.

“Well, I’d rather face a bear because at least I wouldn’t be a primary food source. They’re not carnivores. We can check the sound when we get home, but I don’t think so,” I said fairly certain.

“Notice it’s right near the scat we saw earlier” Henry pointed out. That meant we had three-quarters of a mile yet to go and I’d forgotten the air horn. How could I be so careless? Why wasn’t Irish reaching? I wondered if he had doggie ADHD. I wished I’d brought Deli. Then thanked my lucky stars I hadn’t brought Vivian, she wouldn’t have been so calm and probably would have gotten herself or us killed.

“Mama, at least you can say you got your heart rate up,” Henry said with a giggle.

“Henry! You don’t seem to be taking this seriously!” Quinn said exasperated.

(home again, home again)

When we got home we immediately started researching cougar. Playing every cougar audio clip we could find until we found a match. “It says here it might be a female in heat and that’s why she smells so strong right now,” Quinn read to us.

(Play cougar sound)

“I didn’t even know cougar smelled, but I’ll never forget it,” Henry said.

“Me either, I can’t believe we were close enough to smell her. I mean how close do you think that is? How far do you suppose we were? You didn’t smell them the other two times you saw them did you?”

“No I didn’t”

“Do you think maybe a couple of yards? I read about a guy who smelled a bear and he was only six feet away. Do you think we were that close?” Quinn asked wanting answers.

“I just don’t know,” I said, uneasy thinking about how close we’d been to such a frightening but magnificent animal.

I called Tom and relayed the events of the morning playing him the sounds we’d found on the Internet. When I hung up, Quinn asked, “What did Tom say when you told him?”

“Get a treadmill".

July 23rd Almost Famous

    The other day I received an invitation to be on “PM Bellingham” with Jacqueline Cartier, a local radio show on KGMI, Jacqueline had heard about my antics out on Mosquito Lake Road and thought it would be fun to have me in the studio. Of course, I didn’t hesitate. I’ve never been interviewed. Tom’s been interviewed about some of his breakthrough-creative on Honda and Henry’s been on KLOS with Mark & Brian, but Mama has never hit the big time. I was worried I’d mess up. I thought it would be a Miracle if I didn’t sound like an ass. What if I didn’t know what to say and stammered like a fool?

    As the time grew near I started worrying about my hair. My hair. Is that insane? It’s radio. I didn’t have ten minutes to do it in the morning before I fed the geese, the dogs and the cats because I had to get Henry to gymnastics. I’d bought this new product. It’s a mousse with wax. I put a glob on my wet hair and began drying. My hair was a disaster it felt greasy and dirty as if I hadn’t washed it in a week. I’d obviously put too much in and now we had to leave. I’d broken the golden rule “never try a new product on a big day – ever” and I was paying the price. Henry thought it looked “pretty normal” so I let it go and off we went.
(The KGMI Lobby)

(Where we waited to go on)

    When we got to the station and I was waiting to go on the air, Henry turned to me and gave me his last minute words of advice. “Just don’t burp. It will sound awful and it doesn’t smell good.”

“I’ll try not to.” I assured him.

(Henry and Jacqueline before we went on air)

CILCK HERE TO HEAR
my interview with Jacqueline

(In the studio with Jacqueline)

April 20th Henry, Mark and Brian

    My son, Henry is either going to be President of the United States or a used car salesman. He’s a boy who knows what he wants and how to cut a deal. He’s determined and can negotiate terms with any labor union. I know this because he wears me down. He asks or restructures his question or plea over and over. He has been in trouble for this since he was two, yet he persists. It is a quality that will probably take him far economically, as long as he uses it for good instead of evil.

    I mention this, because I told Henry “No,” the other day. I told him we’d spent enough money and I wasn’t going to buy him the “The Fantastic Four Silver Surfer” DVD. Admittedly it was rather inexpensive, only $6.99, and I knew we had enjoyed the first “Fantastic Four”, but No was no. Enough was enough. However, when it comes to Henry, no isn’t always no, despite my best efforts.

    I don't have a lot of rules and it's true many things are OK with me like eating in the family room or Heelys™ in the house. It's not that I'm wishy washy, I am a disciplinarian. I’m the type of mom that, on a trip to the zoo in horrendous traffic on a blistering hot day when I really didn’t want to go anyway said, “If you do that one more time, I’m going to turn this car around.” And did. Follow through is not my problem. For years, when I was ready to leave my traditional after-work coffee klatch with my friends Gina and Jacqueline I would say, “Listen, if you don’t stop (insert any bad behavior here) we’re going to leave.” And, naturally, in a few minutes I would be allowed to leave and make a point. Don’t mess with Mama.

    Fifth graders, when they would start the school year, thought I was the “easy” teacher. That was my reputation and I think the other teachers thought so, too, but a couple of days into the year the kids would complain that they’d been sold a bill of goods, No one told them they were entering the "Miller-tary". The reason is, I can be strict and not mad. I don’t necessarily get angry. In class I would simply torture them using whatever method worked most effectively. For Quinndavious it was sitting next to a particular girl. He sat there until he could get along with her. For Benny it was his middle name. He really didn’t want anyone to know it or he was going to die of humiliation. So I simply put a letter from his middle name on the board each time he wasn’t toeing the line. No one else knew why I was playing this little game of hangman, but Benny had an excellent year – until he cracked somewhere near the end of May and blurted it out, said he couldn’t take the pressure.

    The reason I bring this up at all is when I said “No” to Henry he reminded me of the last DVD he’d asked for and I’d said "No." "The Lady and the Tramp." It was in re-release and he really wanted it. He campaigned, but I didn’t want to spend the money and, after all, he’d seen the thing two and a half billion times. With many children that might have been the end of it. Perhaps a tantrum or a hunger strike, but not with Henry.

    My son, got up early on St. Patrick’s Day and called one of the largest radio stations in Los Angeles, 95.5 KLOS™. As he was dialing he told me he intended to get Mark and Brian™, the morning hosts who’ve been on the air since I was in college, to give him the DVD. He asked, “If I get it without you buying it, can I keep it?”

    “Sure.” Who am I to stomp on ingenuity? “But Henry, I have called KLOS many times over the years and I have never ever gotten through, so don’t get your hopes up," I said rationally, trying to soften the blow for my then eight-year-old. I hoped he wouldn’t be too disappointed.

    “Mom, they’re giving away stuff to people who can tell them jokes. I’m going to get it for free.”

    “Honey, do you know how many people live in Los Angeles; this isn't a small town. Mark and Brian are so popular and everyone calls them. I just-“

   
    “I'm good."

(Play Call)